Visiting my family and friends in Central Florida (the Cocoa Beach area) this week, I’ve regretfully observed some terrifying behavior that has left me with only one possible conclusion.
My father has gone absolutely batshit crazy. Or is dying from an untreatable brain tumor. Or both.
We trekked over to his house to pick him up and go out for a Christmas Eve drink or two. (Or four. Don’t judge!) And upon our arrival, saw this:
It’s like Santa Claus had too much eggnog and too many late-night cookies, and threw up Christmas cheer all over the place.
Please understand, my father is not an especially festive person. It’s a trait he clearly passed on to his male offspring, as Sal must have noticed during this exchange when my older brother Jim stopped by with Christmas presents for dad:
Jim: “Merry Christmas!”
Dad: “Oh, fuck.”
Kevin (to Dad): “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get you a goddamned thing.”
Dad (to Kevin): “I didn’t get YOU a goddamned thing EITHER!”
There was also a spirited debate about whether the correct season’s greeting was “Merry Fucking Christmas!” or “Happy Fucking New Year” and such, but you get the idea.
So yeah, not big on celebrations, my father. Which is why seeing this gigantic display of Santas, nutcrackers, snowmen, and reindeer absolutely blew me away. There are lights everywhere, and most thing have actual MOVEMENT happening: Santa waving, reindeer rearing up and down like they’re galloping, etc.
Something clearly has SNAPPED in the old man’s brain, and I worry that Christmas may never be the same.
And in case you’re wondering, the correct answer is “Happy Fucking Holidays!” if you want to be politically correct.
After all, if you’re going to be a jerk, you should make sure you’re including everyone in your target audience.