Sarah Palin vs. the Bill of Rights

Sarah Palin is once again giving me good material to blog about… This time, in a segment on the O’Reilly Factor, Palin refers to her belief that America should “create law based on the God of the bible and the ten commandments” when discussing her view of this country as a “Christian nation” with Bill O’Reilly. Check out this video:

Okay, so according to Mrs. Palin, the Ten Commandments of the Judeo-Christian faith should be law. Let’s examine these for a moment, shall we?

  1. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; Do not have any other gods before me.
  2. There’s only one God, and going forward it will be illegal to believe in any other God. We’ll need to get rid of that pesky First Amendment to the Constitution, which states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” but that’s okay, nobody except those damned hippy lefty liberals in the American Civil Liberties Union like that anyway, right?

  3. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.
  4. Creating Idols will be illegal. American Idol, you’re in trouble — and according to our new law, the parents and great-great-grandchildren of the producers of that show will be punished.

  5. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.
  6. It will be against the law to use the name of God inappropriately. We’ll also need to scrap the portion of the First Amendment that says that Congress can’t make a law “abridging the freedom of speech” but again, screw the ACLU — the government and the church know what we should and shouldn’t be allowed to say.

  7. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.
  8. It will henceforth be against the law to work on the seventh day of the week. (We’ll need to make damned sure we identify whether that’s Saturday or Sunday — depending on the calendar you use and the faith you follow, there might be misunderstandings about this, and it’d be a shame to go to jail for it accidentally!)

    Also, this Commandment makes it pretty clear that slavery is okay in God’s eyes, so we’ll need to quickly do away with the 13th Amendment, which abolishes slavery in the United States.

  9. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
  10. Being disrespectful to your father and your mother will be illegal. My parents have been pushing for this one since I was 13.

  11. You shall not murder.
  12. Just remember: it’s not murder if the Bible tells you to kill someone. You know, like in Exodus 35:2, where it says that anyone working on the Sabbath should be put to death. (On the plus side, the punishment for #4 is clear, at least!)

  13. You shall not commit adultery.
  14. Adultery will be against the law, as it once was. We’ll have to be very careful to define adultery, for purposes of forbidding it. Does oral sex count? I know in high school it was considered “cheating” if you kiss someone else… does that carry on into adultery laws?

  15. You shall not steal.
  16. Stealing is already against the law, so I think we’re all set here. (Of course there’s probably some fine-tuning to definitions that we’ll need to make in this day and age… technology issues, intellectual property rights, etc. … since that wasn’t necessarily covered very thoroughly in Biblical times.)

  17. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
  18. Lying about your neighbor is going on the no-can-do list also. Now, can we define “neighbor” for these purposes? Does a person have to be within shouting distance to be considered a neighbor? Or are we free to use city planning maps? Maybe just go by ZIP codes?

  19. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
  20. No coveting of things belonging to a neighbor, either. Same question around “neighbor” applies here as for the 9th Commandment, but skipping past that, we’ll need to be pretty clear about what’s considered “coveting” versus what’s just an appreciation/admiration. My upstairs neighbor and next-door neighbor both have an iPad, and I want to be sure I tone down my envy to a reasonable level before I get locked up for it.

So yes, all we have to do is get rid of a few Amendments to the Constitution from the Bill of Rights, enact some new laws with the guidance of the Bible, and then we can be the “Christian nation” that Sarah Palin and her like-minded colleagues think we should be.

Problem solved, right?

Side note to Bill O’Reilly: Just because someone is Asian doesn’t mean they’re not Christian. Jackass.

One Response to Sarah Palin vs. the Bill of Rights

  1. Austin says:

    I think it makes perfect sense to base the constitution of a modern nation with hundreds of millions of citizens on the laws written by a group of tribespeople who roamed a desert 5,000 years ago. Yes, let’s do that.

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